英語搞笑故事
① 英文幽默故事
Marriage Proposal to Bernard Shaw
Once a beautiful and dissolute British actress wrote to propose marriage to Bernard Shaw． She said she did not mindBernard Shaw's old age and ugliness because he was a genius． And if they could combine the beauty of the woman with the talents of the great man，that would be greatly harmonious． 「With your wisdom and my appearance，our children must be perfect．」
Bernard Shaw answered，in a letter，that her imagination wassplendid，「But，what if the children take my appearance and yourwisdom？」
向肖伯納求婚
英國有位美貌風流的女演員，曾寫信向肖伯納求婚。她說，因為他是個天才，她不嫌肖伯納年邁醜陋。假如能使女郎的美貌和超人的天才結合，那該是多麼協調啊。「咱們的後代有你的智慧和我的美貌，那一定是十全十美了。」
肖伯納給她回了一封信說，她的想像很是美妙，「可是，假如生下的孩子外貌象我，而智慧又象你，那又該怎麼辦呢？」
② 幽默英語故事
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
③ 英語幽默笑話故事
Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.
" What's in your box?" asked the friend.
"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them."
"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.
"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.
貓和老鼠
布朗夫人去拜訪一位朋友，她拿著一個頂部扎滿了小眼兒的盒子。「盒子里裝的是什麼？」朋友問道。「一隻小貓，」布朗夫人回答說，「你知道我晚上睡覺總夢見老鼠，我非常害怕。這只貓可以抓住那些老鼠。」「可老鼠都是假想的呀。」朋友說。「小貓也是假想的。」布朗夫人小聲說道。
④ 關於英語的幽默故事
Three Surgeons 三個有名的外科醫生
Three famous surgeons were bragging about their skills. "A man came to me who had his hand cut off," said one. "Today that man is a concert violinist." "That's nothing," said another. "A guy came to me who had his legs cut off. I stitched them back on, and today that man is a marathon runner."
"I can top both of you," said the third. "One day I came on the scene of a terrible accident. There was nothing left but a horse's posterior - and a pair of glasses. Today that man is seated in United States Senate."
三個有名的外科醫生正在吹噓他們的技術。「一個人斷了一隻手，他來找我，」一個說，「如今那個人是個音樂會的小提琴手。」
「這算不了什麼，」另一個說。「一個傢伙兩條腿斷了，他來找我，我將它們接了回去。如今，那人是馬拉松選手。」
「我比你們兩個都強，」第三個說，「一天，我碰到一起可怕的車禍。除了一個馬屁股，和一幅眼睛，什麼都沒有留下。如今，那人坐在美國參議院里。」
一天3個人比賽射擊。A，50步射中某人頭上的蘋果說：I am A。B，100步射中說：I am B。C，150步，開槍後說：I am sorry.
⑤ 四個英語經典搞笑故事
My First and My Last
When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.
George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."
They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.
When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."
Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"
"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.
第一次與最後一次
喬治35歲時買了架小型飛機，並開始學習駕駛。不久，他就能很嫻熟地駕機做各種各樣的特技飛行了。
喬治有個朋友名叫馬克。一天，喬治主動邀請馬克乘他的飛機上天兜一圈。馬克心想，「我乘大客機飛行過好幾次，還從來沒有乘過小飛機，我不妨試一試。」
升空後，喬治飛了有半個小時，在空中做了各種各樣的飛行特技。
後來他們著陸了。馬克很高興能夠安全返回地面。他用顫抖的聲音對他的朋友說：「喬治，非常感謝你讓我乘小飛機做了兩次飛行。」
喬治非常吃驚地問：「兩次飛行？」
「是的，我的第一次和最後一次。」馬克答道。
First Flight
Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was very worried about accepting. Finally, however, his friend persuaded him that it was very safe, and Mr. Johnson boarded the plane.
His friend started the engine and began to taxi onto the runway of the airport. Mr. Johnson had heard that the most dangerous part of a flight were the take-off and the landing, so he was extremely frightened and closed his eyes.
After a minute or two he opened them again, looked out of the window of the plane, and said to his friend, "Look at those people down there. They look as small as ants, don't they?"
"Those are ants," answered his friend. "We're still on the ground."
第一次坐飛機
約翰遜先生從前未乘過飛機，他讀過許多關於飛行事故的報道。所以，有一天一位朋友邀請他乘自己的小飛機飛行時，約翰遜先生非常擔心，不敢接受。不過，由於朋友不斷保證說飛行是很安全的，約翰遜先生終於被說服了，登上了飛機。
他的朋友啟動引擎開始在機場跑道上滑行。約翰遜先生聽說飛行中最危險的是起飛與降落，所以他嚇得緊閉雙眼。
過了一兩分鍾，他睜開雙眼朝窗外望去，接著對朋友說道：「看下面那些人，他們看起來就象螞蟻一樣小，是不是？」
「那些就是螞蟻，」他的朋友答道，「我們還在地面上。」
A Nail Or A Fly?
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
釘子還是蒼蠅？
一位視力正在衰退的老紳士住進了一家旅館的客房。他雙手各拿一瓶酒。在牆上有隻蒼蠅，他誤以為是枚釘子。他把兩只瓶子朝上一掛，瓶子掉下來摔碎了，酒灑了一地。一個女服務員發現發生的事情以後，對他深表同情，決定幫他個忙。
於是，第二天早上他到樓頂花園散步時，她把一枚釘子釘在了蒼蠅停過的地方。
這里，老人回到了房裡。倒灑的酒味讓他想起了那件事。他抬頭往牆上一看，蒼蠅又停在了那兒!他輕手輕腳地走近，使盡全力拍了一掌。聽到一聲大叫，好心的女服務員沖進房來。讓她大為吃驚的是，可憐的老頭正坐在地板上，牙關緊咬，右手滴血不止。
I'll See to the Rest
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."
其餘的事由我負責
一位車上的列車員剛發出信號讓火車啟動，這時他看見一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一節打開的車廂門旁邊，跟車廂里另一位漂亮姑娘在說話。
「快點，小姐!」他喊道：「請把門關上。」
「噢，我還沒有和妹妹吻別呢。」她回答道。
「請把門關上好了，」列車員說：「其餘的事由我負責。」
Chaude and Cold
A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."
"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."
"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."
"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."
熱與冷
蒙特利爾自助餐廳的一位顧客擰開盥洗室的龍頭，結果被水燙傷了。「這太可惡了，」他抱怨道，「標著C的龍頭流出的是開水。」
「可是，先生，C代表Chaude－法語里代表『熱』。如果您居住在蒙特利爾的話就得知道這一點。」
「等等，」那位顧客咆哮一聲，「另外一個龍頭同樣標的是C。」
「當然，」經理說道：「它代表冷。畢竟，蒙特利爾是個雙語城市。」
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⑥ 英語搞笑故事
Weather Prediction
An old Indian chief was famous for predicting what the weather would do.
A group of people went up to the chief and asked him, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
The chief replied, "Much rain. Very wet."
The next day, it did rain and it was very wet.
Some more people went up to the chief and asked, "What will the weather be like tomorrow?"
"Much snow. Very cold." Sure enough, it snowed and it was very cold.
The next day, people were so impressed with this, they asked him another time.
Chief," they asked, "what will the weather do tomorrow?" The chief replied, "I nno. Radio broken."
⑦ 英語幽默小故事50字左右（帶翻譯）
Q: Why won』t the elephant use the computer?
為什麼大象不玩電腦？
A: He』s afraid of the mouse!
他害怕老鼠！
滑鼠和老鼠的英文皆為mouse。
mouse [maʊs]n. 滑鼠；老鼠；膽小羞怯的人
2.A much worried patiant walked into the doctor's office and asked for help。
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. I accidentally drank a bottle of gasoline yesterday."
"Oh, don't worry! All you have to remember is not to smoke in the next few days." The doctor said.
一位很焦急的病人走到醫生辦公室尋求幫助。
「醫生，我不知道該怎麼辦。昨天我不小心喝下了一瓶汽油。」
「哦，不用擔心。你一定要牢記未來幾天不要吸煙就行了。」醫生說。
3.A man was hit by a cab in the street.
He was brought to the hospital.
His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill."
"I am afraid that he is dead."said the doctor,
Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive."
"Be quiet, "said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"
一個男人在街上被計程車撞倒送進了醫院.
他的妻子站在他的床前對醫生說:"我想他傷得很厲害."
醫生說:"我怕他已經死了."
聽到醫生的話,這個男人轉動著頭說:"我沒死,我還活著."
妻子說:"安靜,醫生比你懂得多."
4.A man goes to church and starts talking to God.
He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?"
And God says: "A penny".
Then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?"
And God says: "a second",
Then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?"
And God says "In a second".
一男子進入教堂和上帝對話.
他問:"主啊, 一百萬美元對你意味著多少?"
上帝回答:"一便士."
男子又問:"那一百萬年呢?"
上帝說:"一秒鍾."
最後男子請求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士嗎?"
上帝回答:"過一秒鍾."
5.Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny?
Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
湯姆：約翰尼，你小弟弟好嗎？
約翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了傷。
湯姆：真糟糕，怎麼回事兒？
約翰尼：我們做游戲，看誰能把身子探出窗外最遠，他贏了。
6.Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流著血回到家裡。他媽媽問，「發生了什麼事？」
「一個男孩咬了我一口，」伊凡說。
「再見到他你能認出來嗎？」媽媽問。
「他走到哪裡我都能認出他，」伊凡說。「他的耳朵還在我衣兜里呢。」
⑧ 搞笑的英語故事
Talking Dog
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads "Talking Dog for Sale." Intrigued, he walks in.
"So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog.
"I』ve led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home."
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog』s owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?"
The owner says, "Because he』s a liar! He never did any of that!"
A Baby?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 「』s the ugliest baby that I』ve ever seen. Ugh!」
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 「The driver just insulted me!」
The man says: 「You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I』ll hold your monkey for you.」
⑨ 英語幽默故事
Peter
dozed
off
while
his
teacher
was
talking.
老師正在講課，彼得打起瞌睡來了。
Teacher:
Peter！Tell
us,
what's
the
biggest
in
the
world?
老師：彼得！你說說，世界上什麼最大？
Peter:
Well,
well....eyelids....
彼得:
嗯……嗯……眼皮……
Teacher:
What？Eyelids？
老師：什麼？眼皮？
Peter:
Yes,
sir.
Because
as
soon
as
I
shut
my
eyes,
the
eyelids
cover
everything
of
the
world.
彼得：是的，老師。因為我眼睛一閉，眼皮就把世界上所有的東西都遮住了
Late
one
night
at
the
insane
asylum
(瘋人院）one
inmate
shouted,
"I
am
Napoleon!"
Another
one
said,
"How
do
you
know?"
The
first
inmate
said,
"God
told
me!"
Just
then,
a
voice
from
another
room
shouted,
"I
did
not!"
瘋人院
一天晚上，在瘋人院里，一個病人說："我是拿破崙！"另一個說："你怎麼知道？"第一個人說："上帝對我說的！"一會兒，一個聲音從另一個房間傳來："我沒說！"